Being unsure of where I’ll be in the near future when it comes to living, work, and life in general is one of the scariest things I’ve experienced. I signed up for classes this summer because a feeling in my gut is telling me I just need to stick to it… That once I get my degree it will be okay, that I’ll no longer struggle. I have some people in my life that are phenomenal when it comes to supporting me pursuing my education but there are also some people who don’t quite see the value in it. It’s hard for me because the people who are less enthusiastic about it are the people I want the most support from… What it comes down to is I know where I’m at is where I’ll stay if I don’t create a strong base to build my career off of. Some dream of private jets, luxurious things, and homes in foreign countries; but I long for something far less complicated. My dream is to have a home of my own, a safe and beautiful sanctuary that is mine. A place I can go to after a long day and not worry about it being taken away from me. I don’t need anything big, fancy, or extravagant. I just want to be able to call it mine. I haven’t had that since I was 17 years old, and although I’ve had tastes of it since then, nothing has ever lasted. The thing is, I know how extremely blessed I have been to have had 17 years in a home. Some never even get to experience that feeling, they’ve never had that net you fall back on… The place you create memories and grow in. So I find it quite amazing that despite my current circumstances I am able to say, “I know what a safe, healthy, happy home looks and feels like”, because many people in this world can’t even begin to imagine what it would be like to be stable and secure. It is a beautiful thing and an ugly thing, being able to look back on that feeling of security. I say that because when you know something so well and it becomes familiar but is then taken away from you so quickly it takes time to adjust, and naturally, you begin to miss it – and soon long for it.
There was a time during my first semester in college that I considered dropping out because I was tempted by money and “success”. Luckily I have some very smart people in my life who steered me away from making a bad decision. I thought, “I don’t need school, I can just work full time & get by in a little apartment.” But what about my future? If I would have done that I would have stayed there, struggling, living in an apartment, and not going anywhere else – lacking progress and adventure. I believe that life is given to us so we can grow, so why do something that could possibly stop that? Because we will all grow old and age but only some of us will truly live. Living to me is creating yourself, it’s finding bliss within yourself and truly knowing what makes you happy. It’s following your dreams even when nobody but yourself believes in them. Living is loving, being, and doing all that you find passion in. I am passionate about creating a home for myself, a place that not only I can go to and find peace but a place for my family and friends as well. I often find myself day dreaming of having a darling little kitchen with windows I can open while I cook. There would be a garden outside that I’d admire while I’d wash my hands at the sink and I’d think of all the delicious herbs and vegetables I’d plant in it for the following season. I would have my cookbooks on a shelf and plan what meals to make each week. It would go without question that I’d have my loved ones over to enjoy my meals with. And if they weren’t there, I’d take my leftovers to my neighbor.
I think about what it would be like to have Talya and Zeb over in the summer, playing with them in the yard and gardening in the sunshine. They could pick tomatoes out of my garden and we’d make fresh tomato basil sandwiches with mozza for lunch. They could have sleepovers and I’d make sure there were always lots of yummy blankets to snuggle up to while we’d watch movies before bed.
I’d be able to have a cat and a dog because I wouldn’t worry about them going from home to home. It would always smell like vanilla and sandalwood and in the winter I’d sit in front of the fireplace with my girlfriends and drink wine into the wee hours of the morning in the fall. I’d paint and decorate, but I’d also be patient with my home, because there is a difference between having a house and making a home; It is putting time, family, friends, & love into the walls, it’s breaking the floor in from all the dancing during the holidays, or nights of “just because”.
I also know I’m young and a home comes with time and hard work. But admit that I fear the empty feeling I am becoming familiar with, the constant question and uncertainty. I could still drop all of my classes and find a full time decent paying job. I’d make it, but barely, and that is no way to live… I grew up watching my mother work herself to the bone as a single parent just to put dinner on the table and make sure I had all I needed. That is not what I want for myself because I saw how hard it was for her. But the question is where do I land while trying to build this base? That is what I ask myself every day.I’m slowly accepting the fact that I may just have to perch… I might not have a solid place to land for a couple of years. I know that my situation might seem so little to some. Before not having my own home I never understood the depth of living like a little traveling gypsy. I hope that someday when I am successful and do find somewhere to land I can help those who still struggle. I want to give back and show those who are still fighting for their own sanctuary that it does get better… It just takes time. That is something I have to remind myself every single day and sometimes it still doesn’t make it any easier, but I know deep down it will all work out. It’s just that little bit of fear within that gets the best of me in times like these. One of my favorite songs is “Tie My Hands” by Lil Wayne, and these lyrics have always been able to really speak to me….
and if you come from under that water, then that’s fresh air
just breathe baby God’s got a blessing to spare
yes I know the process is so much stress
but its the progress that feels the best
Cuz I came from the projects straight to success
and you’re next so try
they can’t steal your pride its inside.
then find it and keep on grinding
Cuz in every dark cloud theres a silver lining, I know.
I dream big and some think my dreams are silly. But I find joy in knowing what I want and I hope that someday I am able to make my wants into “haves”. Until then I will continue to drift. I am doing my best to embrace, accept, and love whatever my journey has to offer. They all say it’s about the experiences and the lessons, but good lord, I sure am getting a hefty amount all at once. Life is interesting… who knows. The only thing to do is take each day as a beautiful new gift and do what I can with it right…? I hope that those who are reading this in their yummy homes and their own beds take a second and really dig deep for the gratitude for those things. We are all so blessed, when we begin to forget that is when we slow down the miraculous feeling of a life full of awareness and happiness.