Ready To Be Found

Being nineteen is weird. I graduated from school early and thought I was on the ‘right path’. I was sure that I was going to be golden with my two new jobs & planned on starting college that fall. Then when it came down to it I realized, ‘I don’t know what the HELL I am doing’. I struggled with balancing two jobs and my education. My situation at home was weird so I began living in a bit of limbo. I dreamed of having a little studio with a cat I’d spoil the shit out of & nights of studying into the wee ours of the morning. In my mind, I was ready. I was pretty confident I had what it took to focus on getting myself through school & holding both my jobs down. I knew it would be hard but I was willing to make sacrifices. Until I realized, once again, that I did not know what I was doing. I started struggling in classes and being cranky at work. I was unhappy and started losing confidence in myself. It was a nightmare. Seriously. I watched myself quickly spin into a busy little mess, and it was not pretty. So what I got out of that was this: I am a rook. And I miss my moms cooking.

Where I thought I would be and where I am are polar opposites. That studio apartment and cat? Let’s be real here, did I think I was going to pull a few hundo out of my arss each month to live on my own or? Math class made me cry, literally, and I procrastinated on the others because I thought ‘I could’. Reality is the space between graduating from high school and beginning a new life of being broke and going to college has been extremely hard for me. I know people do it. I know there are people who have kids, work, and go to school. And I think they are incredible and maybe a bit out of their minds, but either way, they make it work. But you have to want to make it work, or it will all fall to pieces and you’ll be close to a year out of high school and think, ‘Oh my god, what exactly am I doing?” I know that everything happens for a reason and the time will come where I will open the right door. I’ve always loved the saying, ‘Fake it till you make it’, and I guess I’m doing just that. I hope that someday I have the courage to get through law school, or maybe to do an internship for the news, but right now that all seems a bit much. The thing is, we create our futures, and if we simply dream and do not act upon those hopes and aspirations then where do we find ourselves? I like to think 19 is a bit off for everybody, but every ones situation is different. I looked at my planner and realized it’s almost July – And that in 3 months I’ll be 20 and still a bit lost. It blows my mind. All I know is life is full of hard work, love, patience, and plenty of confusion and I am at the starting line wondering ‘Does anybody have a ‘How To’ guide’???


2 thoughts on “Ready To Be Found

  1. thank you for your fantastic blog. i can relate to everything you’re saying so much. i’m headed to law school this august – i’ve been living at home and have been fortunate enough to have so many things taken care of for me. i’m so scared to enter the “real world” (and i’m 23!!) – but i am so excited!! i have a small one bedroom apartment i’m moving into, and am going to get a new kitten when i go (spoiled too, of course!!). it sounds like you’re on the right path here, and you’ve realized some things that take years beyond your age to understand. i will add you to my blog roll :D let’s stay in touch!!

  2. You start school so soon, that’s really exciting!! I read about your journey of getting in & I really admire you for sticking it out even when you felt discouraged. The thought of even trying scares me to death. So so excited for you! I hope you continue to write about how school goes. And thank you so much, that is very kind of you to say and really means a lot to me. Let’s definitely stay in touch, and good luck with this new adventure of yours:)

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