War on Heartbreak

I found myself scribbling helpful tips all over what used to be my office, but is now his. I wanted him to have a space to create, a place to dream like I once had. I jotted down silly things like little secrets about the house that he may not know.. like how to get the bedroom window open just right so it didn’t get too cold. I left him one of two matching chairs we always planned to sit in, and the key on the table we got together.

I felt hot tears skip off my concealer I only use when I have a cold. The heat was pounding on every inch of my body — the sun had lost all empathy. I felt numb, and I began to worry that maybe, just maybe…. So had I.

Suddenly my girlfriend honked the horn and yelled “Bailey! Lets go!” It was louder than I remember it being. And I couldn’t even believe it. I didn’t want to believe it. Here I was again, packing up my wee car & leaving a dream I once dreamt.

I hopped in the car and said thank you to the best of my sniffling-ability to my girlfriend who had offered to drive home (& also ended up  helping me pack my belongings) We got gas and I didn’t dare take my glasses off when I paid for it.

As we drove away in the sunset I strapped the most fabulous headwrap I owned around my messy hair, smeared on my most sassy lipstick and kissed my window.  I had to at least try to be okay for the ride home. Kerry taught me that day that driving while crying can be dangerous — I was so thankful for her support.

When I got home I went straight to the shower. I stared at myself in the mirror — I looked like hell. My mascara ran a big deep black line from here to Arkansas bleeding from both eyes. I was scared. I was exhausted. And hungry, too, god damnit. But I could not be in denial any longer, it would only make things harder. I wiped the old makeup from my left eye and accepted the fact that I had officially announced war against heartbreak. And I didn’t have a clue what to do next.

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Sleepy Head + a Clear Mind

I love, love, love Dalai Lama. He is the 14th Dalai Lama of Tibet & a truly incredible man whose wisdom has guided me back to the right track many times in my life. This whole back & forth situation is really taking a toll on my emotional well-being, so I’m trying to fill myself up with his beautiful lessons. I went to bed at 10:30 last night, but somehow I’m still tired & suffering from sudden short-term memory loss. Think of a cranky 3-year-old in an already-sassy 20 something’s body. Not cool, yo. Not cool at all..

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You know, this little quote is about all I need right now. Oh, that’s a lie. I could really go for a fried PB&J (nom, nom, nom) All my sleepy headed-ness & ready-to-be-clear-mind, Bee

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For more of Dalai Lama’s teachings go to his official site by clicking here 

Back to my roots

I have been missing my girlfriends, mum & co-workers a lot lately. My heart aches when I don’t get to see the gems in my life. So I packed the car up & Roman & I made our way to SLC for a few days. I feel like I am on vacation — yet I’m sitting here enjoying a cup of joe at my old desk.

I know I say it a lot, and to some it may be too much, but the blessings in my life never cease to amaze me. All I can say is I genuinely wish I could make sure everyone felt the same about their life. But sometimes, it’s just not that easy.

Happy Monday beautiful, shine on.

In the city

 

Entwine Oneself Around the Key

I love the feeling I get when I am around people that make me feel like I don’t have to explain myself. They get it.

I also love when I have had a bad day & I’m hardly holding it down, about to crumble, and someone has the key. The key that most look past because it is so incredibly simple. What I love is it takes us back to the basics. The key that solves many of my problems 99% of the time is the comfort that roots back to a genuine embrace: sometimes, when I don’t know what else to do other than not fall apart I just need someone to pick me up, pull me in close, & hug me. Are any of you with me on this? If so… Continue. 

As we mature we are expected to be well composed when handling tough situations. There are plenty of ways society expects us to deal with negativity, but the biggest one is ignoring it. Last time I checked if you ignore something it either dies, remains in it’s current state, grows, or rots. For me, it’s usually the last one. I believe thoughts get old, and just like the garbage, we need to take our old rung out thoughts to the dump — and leave them there.

I believe in starting fresh & doing so often. Think of it this way: just like computers, our brains/thoughts/attitudes need to be refreshed. And then, we just might need someone to pull us in, wrap their arms around us (whether they be big & strong, or soft & delicate) & remind us that this too shall pass. The beautiful thing is sometimes they can do so without saying a word (my mum & grandma are great for this… so are my auntie Care & Brenna)

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I think society is wrong in many ways, especially with the way it asks us to cope with aches & pains that ibuprofen doesn’t stand a chance against. I think it can be unhealthy to never take our strong faces off.  And, in my opinion, it’s not fair to the tender spots in your heart that you may have forgotten about 20 years ago because you chose to ‘do what you have to do’ vs. taking care of yourself & moving on after you “take the trash out”

I think what Oscar Wilde said (despite it being targeted towards women) is very fitting for this. Wilde said “Women are ment to be loved — not to be understood. Well perhaps we should take some notes and stop muffling our pain & begin wading through it by starting with a hug.

This one is for you, grandma. Someday, I hope we can hug an elephant together :)

I know everyone doesn’t like hugs — and that’s okay. I respect that! So don’t worry, I’m all about respecting your beautiful bubble! But the next time I see someone I love trying to fight through their battles alone, or they just aren’t sure who to pick for their team of heart-ache-kicking supporters, I’ll do one easy & powerful thing (if my gut instinct tells me it’s okay to do so): Ignore my desire to give advice that may not be asked for, and simply give them a squeeze. Perhaps we can benefit from a little unity instead of constantly trying to be superior to others by proving our strengths that, in the end, usually make us weak. 

Ready, set, love. 

It’s Beautiful

“I do my thing and you do your thing.
I am not in this world to live up to your expectations,
And you are not in this world to live up to mine.
You are you, and I am I,
and if by chance we find each other, it’s beautiful.

I apologize for the ‘quotey’ posts & extended time between comment replies — school/work are sucking me dry, bare with me sweets! Bee

Take Your Baby by the Hand

Yesterday I spent a couple hours in bed after work with some weird bug. Andy brought me Kneaders & I soon realized how much some solid food and rest can do for a girl (one of those “duh” moments). Shortly after I was up and at it around the house. The next 4 weeks will be a bit chaotic around here because it is the end of the semester. Having my home in a good state should contribute to the fight for sanity during finals.

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I’d say I’m ‘trying to get my wardrobe organized‘… but lets be real, when am I not trying to get my wardrobe organized?? It’s a year round, never-ending thing. All of my girlfriends know what I’m talking about… They’ve all been over for bags of clothes that my ass outgrew or the 6 shirts I bought because ‘they match my shoes’  (that I don’t need & that look exactly alike). But sometimes you’re left with some gems & those clothes are just too pretty to keep hidden in the closet — which is why the clothes rack was invented. Mine is coming along and I am quite pleased with it. Someday when I’m not too ghetto to buy the wooden hangers I will. But that day is not today.

[ since those with droids have instagram now, add me! username: commanderinchic ]

I hit a wall at about 11:30 and that’s when I found Andy in the kitchen. He had been setting his computer up for work & finally got his speakers to work. Wang Chung was blasting & you could tell he was trying so hard not to break out in a full on dance (he was doing the slow & discreet foot shuffle while his arms swung back n’ forth a bit. hilarious)

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Next thing you know we’re dancing in the kitchen to ‘Dance Hall Days’ while he twirls me around in my painting/cleaning clothes & sings along to every word. We almost made it through the whole song but our asses are out-of-SHAPE (& we both needed a drink)

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We of course played Simple Man by Lynyrd Skynyrd  & Can’t You See by the Marshall Tucker Band. I’m convinced these are the moments that true love is found, over & over again. Happy Friday sweets, I hope you take the time to dance with someone you love this weekend. Even if it’s just a bit of shufflin’ & swinging of the arms. It’ll feel good, I promise.

Bee

Good Girls Don’t Grow On Trees

Alright, can I get a hell yeah for Cris Cab? He is my new favorite artist (besides Frank Ocean, of course) I’m still browsing through his music to make sure it’s love and not lust. Either way one thing’s for sure, I am definitely in full on ‘like’ with Cris Cab.

The opening lyrics to his song “Good Girls” is:

“Hey man, I’ve learned my lesson 
Got a good girl, count your blessings”

But what really stole my heart was this:

“good girls don’t grow on trees”

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Oh hi, I’m sold! I love that because it is so true. It is so hard to find a partner that can give & understand the unique love your heart desires. We are all different therefore we all need different types of love. Unfortunately honesty, respect, patience, trust and kindness are becoming less important; The definition of a “healthy relationship” is very misunderstood to the men & women of my generation. Many of us have forgotten what it really means to love and be loved. 

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I do know one thing — Any woman will tell you this: a good man is hard to find & even harder to keep. I’m sure of it, because my town has an abnormal amount of douche-bags-in-diesels and a lack of gentlemen (not that I’m looking, but they’re everywhere! it scares me. ) But it goes the same for men, because like Cris Cab says, good girls don’t grow on trees. We have to honor, cherish, and embrace the beautiful relationships and love we have in our lives. Surround yourself with people that make you feel excited — I can honestly say I have people in my life that make my stomach feel like a million fireflies are having a freaking fiesta in there. Absolutely electric. They encourage me to be the best woman I can be. Because of those people I believe in my dreams and I’m brave enough to do anything & everything in order to reach them. Those are the kind of people we all deserve to have in our lives.

At the end of the day this is my opinion, so as my grandmother says “take it, leave it, file it away, or never look at it again”. Alls I’m sayin’ is I encourage you to be picky about one thing: the type of love/people you choose to surround yourself with.

It can change your life.