Checking in with you

It’s been over a year since I wrote on this blog, the place where I really started to figure my life out after two life-changing experiences. I chose not to read any of my old posts for a long time because I am so pleased with the woman that I am today. But I felt the sudden urge to check up on my little old blog. And surprisingly it feels really nice.

I have so many fond memories I can look back on because of my posts here, but my favorite thing is that I made a lot of really beautiful connections with my readers. I may be ready to let this part of my life go, but I certainly don’t want to ignore the fact that this blog helped me meet some amazing people.

If you’d like to keep up with me and where I am today I am blogging at a new page. The website is www.spicyyogi.com

If you’re interested in joining this next chapter of my journey please pop on over and say hello.

Hope to see you there,

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Bailey Mikell

The Fool In Me

“I must learn to love the fool in me — the one who feels too much, talks too much, takes too many chances, wins sometimes and loses often, lacks self-control, loves and hates, hurts and gets hurt, promises and breaks promises, laughs and cries. It alone protects me against that utterly self-controlled, masterful tyrant whom I also harbor and who would rob me of my human aliveness, humility, and dignity but for my Fool.”

-Theodore Isaac Rubin

Lightly, child.

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It’s dark because you are trying too hard. Lightly child, lightly. Learn to do everything lightly. Yes, feel lightly even though you’re feeling deeply. Just lightly let things happen and lightly cope with them. I was so preposterously serious in those days, such a humorless little prig. Lightly, lightly – it’s the best advice ever given me…So throw away your baggage and go forward. There are quicksands all about you, sucking at your feet, trying to suck you down into fear and self-pity and despair. That’s why you must walk so lightly. Lightly my darling, on tiptoes and no luggage, not even a sponge bag, completely unencumbered. -Aldous Huxley, Island  

“After spending time with a girl, you feel exhausted because she takes more than she gives. After spending time with a woman, you feel invigorated, because she empowers you with possibility, and a passion for life.” -Nadia Mah

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Beautiful People Don’t Just Happen.

There is one thing that I still haven’t really told anybody in my life. It happened last June. Every single day there are at least 5 minutes where I sit there and go back to that month. My chest gets hot, I sweat, I ache, and I think about how there is no way I could ever really tell anyone about it. It devastated me. But I need to talk about it. And I will. I will take the steps to choose to see that event in a different way. I will choose to see the love in it.

I used to be kind of proud of my ability to be open with people. I learned at a young age how much I treasure sharing stories about my experiences. I’d always say “I’m an open book. I have a blog, and I don’t really have anything to hide.”

There were times in my life where I would go through something difficult and at times it would feel like the only comfort I could find was telling myself that it was happening to me so that I could tell my story one day and help others grow. Ultimately I wanted to share my downfalls in order to inspire others somehow… I wanted to help others avoid making the mistakes I’ve made. But things have changed.

The past couple of weeks have really challenged me. I’ve spent my time doing the things that scare me. Going to school, taking on more responsibility at work, breaking unhealthy patterns, figuring out how to remove toxic people in my life in a way that is loving, kind, and graceful, and accepting the fact that my life can drastically change in one month. And I can’t do a damn thing about it.

And suddenly I’ve found myself surrounded by individuals who see right through me, which also obviously scares me. You want a wake up call? Spend some quality time with people who don’t agree with everything you say. Who call you on your shit. Spend time with people who, after they’ve left, stay in your head because of one bold, honest thing they said to you that you couldn’t even begin to respond to.

When I’ve been asked to share some of the things that have frightened me, shook me, changed my perspective, and straight up knocked me on my ass I have discovered one huge thing: I am not the open 18 year old girl that I used to be. I am a woman who has spent some time in some pretty dark places. And that’s okay.

I am realizing that I’ve allowed some of the ups and downs I’ve gone through in the last 2 years into my head. I’ve basically shut off that open, vulnerable, “it is what it is” part of me that used to be so significant and crucial in my life. I have let fear create a home in my mind and in my heart. And I want to work on that.

It all comes down to being scared that exposing anything in my life that is not beautiful and well kept will put a big ole’ “I’m not worthy of love” sticker on my forehead. But that is so far from true. Maybe finding the will to truly open up to people will teach me about trust again. Maybe it will teach me me to love and be loved because I have nothing to hide.

So, February has been a month of getting real with myself. It’s been about going to the places in my life that I once ran from and dumping all the love, acceptance, and forgiveness into them. It’s not always pretty, but digging deep within and truly grabbing the rot and negativity out of your life with your hands is one of the most empowering, loving things you can do for yourself. It’s just finding the will and finally saying “I’m done hiding from this shit.”

This is the month where I make peace with the bad so that I can make more space for the good. This is my time to make peace with the past.

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“Read that book, wake up early in the morning and go for that run to start off your day. Buy the nicest underwear and wear it to boost your mood. Eat as clean as possible because you’ll feel so much better but treat yourself as well. Be kind to everyone. Go out to a cafe and watch people walk buy as you sip your coffee. Compliment that stranger! Start a conversation with that person on the bus. Read a book about food, about astronomy, learn a new language. Watch the sunrise. Get away for a weekend. Introduce yourself. Do yoga and go on a hike. Lay on the beach under the stars and have a dnm with your best friend. Dance around and sing at the top of yours lungs at that festival. Life is meant to be lived, not controlled.” -Unknown

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